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09:29am 28/04/2007
mood: tired
Hey guys, so, a lot has been going on; a lot of emotional strains and near-meltdowns. The cause weren’t only my issues with myself but issues from the world outside my little shell. So let’s go over things one by one…

*I fell in love…again…
Not much happened.
I don’t know him.
I’m ashamed.
I started acting like an idiot quite often.
We call him Him, and, I think he’s perfect from the physical point of view. He’s got long black hair, past his shoulders and haunting black eyes with an almost Asian twist at the corners. His lips are full and he’s got pronounced cheekbones…a model figure. A poster sort of man. He can’t dress, but, he’s got a good body and everything fits…or is that just my opinion?
My friends knows him, seas he’s funny, clumsy…I met him once…2 years ago…I nearly forgot him. Hmm, well, I won’t forget him that easily now.

*I was ill.
Very ill; I almost had to go to hospital.
You’ll never guess it- chickenpox, at the age of 18, not a pretty picture. I missed almost a month of school, I couldn’t do anything. Than I had a heavy case of pneumonia and couldn’t speak for days…and, I kept wondering why it had to be me. Still have three dumps on my face – I hate them; a renaissance face was the only nice thing on my appearance. When I came back to school I was way behind and I’m a senior, which means everything is 100 % more difficult than last year or the year before that. I’m still struggling with my grades, my teachers have gone insane. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to take it. The pressure of graduating and getting into colleague is immense, everyone expects so much from me.

*I heard Miyavi was coming to Europe.
I was so happy, so happy I couldn’t sleep. I informed my parents I was going, right after I get into colleague, it’s in July. I like his music. I think he’s insane. I love it. I was so happy I annoyed everyone in school… but than my parents said I can’t go to Germany alone…and I don’t know anyone from Croatia who likes him…
Watching him I was reminded of my body, in a way he is so beautiful and I’m well-not.

*I sank deeper into my obsession.
I have to be thin. I’m 75 kilo. I’m 1.7 meters. I’m fat.
I hate the way I look in the mirror. I hate every picture of me ever taken. I hate my traitorous body. This darkness is numbing. I’m numb. The only emotions I sense have to be extremes that shake my entire body; either when I laugh or when I cry. I cry often now…it didn’t used to be so but now I inflict emotional pain just so I wouldn’t forget how to feel.

I just want this to stop.
Rammstein-Du Riechst So Gut   
12:45pm 25/12/2006

Rammstein-Du Riechst So Gut
"Rammstein-Du Riechst So Gut" on Google Video
Rammstein_-_Du_Riechst_So_Gut video
10:20am 21/08/2006
mood: annoyed
I'm baaaaack

Holidays were....boring in the most part since I went to the Seaside with my mum for like the hundredth time since my birth! I'd go with my friends but they either can't or can't afford to so that's a bummer.

The good thing is I met a nice girl/woman that’s coming to study in Zagreb in a few moths so we might get together, she seams alright.

The second good thing is that I saw this gorgeous guy at the airport and I mean he was so adorable, blue eyes, blond hair...you get the drill. BUT, as life is he ended up walking down the hall hand in hand with another guy, now normally that would be fine since I AM a yaoi fan... but aaaaaaaaahhhh, why are all the cute and court guys always gay? *Sigh*, I feel so lonely!

Hmmm...Let’s see what's next? Ah yes the fact another years of tedious schooling approaches, fully 15 subjects of horror!!!! Mark the joy in my words, mark the THE JOY!!!!!!! *has angry outbreak*

I was in Dubrovnik for my holidays, I generally like the city ever since my first visit a few years back. And I was talking about the tourists with a friend when he said (his dad is a tour guide) that some Americans asked weather the fortifications were real stone or plastic I mean HELLO? I know you live in a silicon and plastic world that formed around a few hundred years ago but that doesn't mean you can be disrespectful of something 6 times older! I'm sorry if I'm generalizing I know there are smart and great Americans I know a few but morons like this piss me off especially since another one asked weather the children here even go to school! I mean Croatia has one of the hardest school systems in the world, and is home to some of the world's greatest scientists. Now I know some people don't know that because they only study their own history in school (note the irony) unlike others who study everything... So please whoever reads this, this isn't an attack just a blow off steam lament and please next time when you're in a foreign country, try not to ask questions that are disrespectful and perhaps insulting to the people living there, especially if you know NOTHING about the country itself.

Ok I needed that even at the cost of our tourism taking a drop, lol, but I seriously doubt that because our cost is remarkable and the continental part of our country equally notable.

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05:59pm 21/07/2006
mood: 33°C...
Ok I've just gotten my new comp. but Windows aren't installed jet or anything (gonna do that tomorrow) so today it's just gonna sit there and look pretty! XD Anyway I was really happy so I wanted to write it.

Besides that it's like 33°C here and I'm dying because we don't have air-conditioning...only a fan which is like...NOT helping.

The Sun is like burning threw the walls and everything, there have been wild fires by the seaside and it's horrible. I hate summer!( I love the holidays though!)

My friend is doing her driver's licence add seas it's horrible to be in the car for like three hours from 9 and I don't even want to imagine...

Besides that i've completely gone to writing Beyblade yaoi leaving my original works still mostly unfinished but the thing is I just KNOW that when I start writing them again I'll have the urge to alter everything so I'm a bit afraid on starting with that again.

nothing new happened though, I'm trying to find out how to make the mini-movie userpicks but no one's on jet so I'll wait a while...

11:24pm 18/07/2006
mood: tired
So it's been a while again...sorry?

Isn't it funny how people apologize to their diaries? I mean what's the point?

Anyway besides that I've been going crazy over the hoolidays not so much because my poems were a sucess but because I've become obsessed with flow of mind stories which make sense tpo no one but me!

Sometimes I wish I had Terra's calm...btw Terra is the best writer EVER sure her fics are LONG but you see the dedication and deep characterization she puts into every character, since I believe all of her work is original. She writes at http://www.commonastherain.com/eros.html but that's not all she's really great at drawing too, something where my masterwork stops at charcoal and the pencil. Out of some reason watercolors are my sworn enemy and I can't nail a portrait for my life...oh well...

Back to my problem, flow of thoughts stories are like Russian roulette, they're either exactly what you wanted when you read them the next day or messed up just enough to disappoint you so you want to do everything again...well at least that's how I react.

And I'm back to Beyblade for my fanfictional work and I still haven't finished my fourth book(or better said Chapter) of Vampire and even though the first three are pretty good I have a feeling they're too stuffed, like I haven't prolonged the happenings although and things just happen too fast...*sigh* I miss an edge at writing prose, that's why poetry is so simple!

Anyway here's one of the poems I found in my collection of Wings Of Raven, I wrote it a year ago and decided to post it just for fun.

I sit in silence…

We sit in silence…


Eyes of silver and skin too pale,
You lie in bed crippled with disease,
Your once strong body withers away…
Despite my wish, I cannot heal you…

Hair like snow and voice like steel,
You’re barely breathing, slowly fading,
I see your distant expression, dead eyes…
I pray in vain, I cannot help you.

Your once strong carnelian heart,
Slowly begins to give away on you…
And you’re aware death reigns,
I see it in your cold expression- fear.

The once strong leader is dead now.
Tied to the bed like a ragged doll,
You cannot move, you cannot breathe,
In a single choke you fall to eternal sleep…

I sit in silence…

We sit in silence…


Besides that I decided to post a poem I wrote inspired by Yurij/Tala but its in my mother tong so I translated although it's not as good in English...

Yurij Volkov Ivanov

O, brate...
Bilo me tako strah...
...tako strah tame...
...i kamenih odaja...
...i kazne...

Sječanja iz dana boli,
Iz dana vječnog sna,
Zauvjek će me progoniti.
Znaš što mislim,
Sječaš se i ti.

Krvave noći,
Promišljene riječi,
Predodređene budućnosti,
Bili smo stvoreni.
Umjetni ćemo i ostati.

Ne kako oni žele,
Nikada kako oni traže.
Taj svijet je za nama,
Tamne godine,
I krvave odaje ,
Naših mrtvih tamnica...

Ne jecam, ne žalim...
...za smrću,
Koje moje ruke udjeliše.
Zbog čega bih?

Učinih sve.
Z a slobodu
I ponovo bih.
Ruke zamrljane krvlju,
Moja su snaga.
Ne bojim se pakla,
Odaje te,
Su mi poznate...

-Elena Volkova


Oh brother,
I was so afraid…
…so afraid of the darkness…
…and stone chambers…
…and punishment…

Memories from the days of pain
From the days of eternal sleep
Shall haunt me forever,
You know what I mean,
You remember.

Bloody nights,
Thought threw words,
Predestined futures,
We were created…
And fake we shall remain,

Not as they want it,
Never as they request,
That world is behind us.
Dark years,
And bloody chambers
Of our dead dungeons…

I do not weep, I do not regret…
…the death
My hands dealt.
Why should I?

I did everything
For freedom…
And I would do it again.
Bloodied hands ,
Are my strength,
I fear not Hell.
Those chambers
To me, are
Already known…

-Elena Volkova

Well, hope you enjoyed...
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12:24pm 13/06/2006
mood: ecstatic
Ok I know I'm probably the most neglectful person out there but plz. bare with me.

I just got Advent children from a guy in my class and I watched it and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!
Yazoo, Kadaj, Reno = a very happy yaoi lover!

he he not that I'm implying anything...

Ok I think the entire universe knows I get off on white haired men, specially Yazoo, kadaj and Sephiroth (is there anyone else?) but Loz didn't strike me that much even thought the second time I watched the movie he grew on me, like a big kid would but I can't say he intrigues me in other ways.

besides my diet has been going well and I lost 9 kilos but plan to loose as many more to gain the perfect weight. Wish me luck!

AC ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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10:24pm 08/04/2006
mood: content
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12:31pm 07/04/2006
You Are The Moon

You represent the unconscious side of life, what happens in dreams.
You are capable of great genius - but also of great madness.
Emotions tend to be primal for you, both your fears and your fantasies.
Your intuition is always right, listening to it is the difficult part.

Your fortune:

You are about to embark on a very important journey - and a very difficult one.
Some of your deepest dreams will be realized, as well as some of your deepest nightmares.
Follow your creativity and visions; stay away from your weaknesses.
You are taking a voyage to the center of yourself, and you may be pleasantly surprised by what you discover.
12:19pm 07/04/2006
mood: cheerful
You Are a Peacemaker Soul

You strive to please others and compromise anyway you can.
War or conflict bothers you, and you would do anything to keep the peace.
You are a good mediator and a true negotiator.
Sometimes you do too much, trying so hard to make people happy.

While you keep the peace, you tend to be secretly judgmental.
You lose respect for people who don't like to both give and take.
On the flip side, you've got a graet sense of humor and wit.
You're always dimplomatic and able to give good advice.

Souls you are most compatible with: Warrior Soul, Hunter Soul and Visionary Soul
09:57am 07/04/2006
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09:19am 07/04/2006
mood: crazy
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09:03am 07/04/2006
mood: accomplished
Remember my lamment in my last post well here are some statistical facts:

If there were a 100 people in the world:

52 Asians
21 European
18 Americans (North and South)
8 Africans

52 would be women
48 would be men

70 Non white
30 white

70 non-Christian
30 Christian

89 heterosexual

6 people would hold 59% of the world’s riches and they would all be American

80 of them would live without the basic requirements (plumbing, electricity, a house…)

70 would be illiterate

50 would be undernourished

1 would be dying

1 would be being born

1 would have a computer

1 would have a degree

Think about this:

If you woke up today healthy (the cold and everyday diseases not taken into account) you’re happier than 1, 000,000 people who won’t live to see next week.

If you’ve never felt the danger of conflict and war, never been alone in imprisonment, never felt torture and never felt the agony of hunger you’re luckier than 500, 000, 000, of this world.

If you can go to church without the fear of being arrested, beaten or killed you’re happier than 3, 000, 000, 000 people.

If you have a fridge filled with food, a roof over your head, some clothes and a bed you’re richer than 75% of this world.

If you have an account, some money in your wallet and some change laying around the house you one of the 8% of the riches people in the world.

If both of your parents are alive and together you’re very lucky.

And if you could read all of this it means someone took care of you and taught you how to read.
11:10am 29/03/2006
mood: pleased
“They think it’s enough to give a home and shelter above our head but I come from a world where shelter is a wooden rack somewhere by the river side…and we keep waiting for the river to rise and wash us all away. There is no room elsewhere or we can’t pay the price. Powerful men said the people come first but I didn’t see them come down here and help, they said elect us and we’ll fix it all… but I didn’t see them help at all.

I stood by the riverside, gazing into the dirty water…my bathroom. A communal home for strangers that wash and piss in the water we all drink and isn’t it sweet that they say it’s getting better for we got paid. But a pay of two dollars per week is like not getting anything at all, especially since you work for it from dawn to nightfall only than to return a plough the soil before your house.

We can die and no one would notice, its not like we have a name, persona exist in paper sheets that exist in overcrowded cities. Down here in the darkness there isn’t a hospital or a graveyard…no one to mark your existence.

We live of what we plant and what we plant is washed away along with our houses when the river rises. There are no roads around my home nor is there a map where it’s charted it. We didn’t choose to live this way, but give us education, we’re willing to learn and give us a working place and we’ll earn for a home of stone and away from the mud where we plant the rice, away from the night where we die unheard. You don’t know what it’s like when at eight the darkness grows like walls around you, and you see nothing but hear voices from afar.

Justice is a legend and crime reins all. Men can manage they’re stronger and aren’t prayed upon like meat. They don’t need to clean some “dirty” things. They don’t have to work and bare a child but can get drunk and rape and hit and shout and eat what was meant for the children because it’s the way of the stronger…and they are the strongest.

There is no one to tuck children in or kiss them before they fall asleep because they’re outside in the knee high mud working to save that last potato so you don’t starve. But you’re on your own with 13 or less because there’s no room for one mouth more, no food for someone who doesn’t earn. And they say they’ll change things; it’s getting better… but I still hear women get raped at night and dead bodies splashing into the river and a storm brewing before dawn that’ll blow us all away…

And where are the sisters and the brothers that live in concrete and steel and that say they help others and are innocent to our position? Where are the brothers and the sisters to lend a helping hand outside of election date? And I ask of the Gods a favour…for the pain to end, but I have nothing to give them, no temple to pray in, no incense to burn, oh someone please save me!”

Dedicated to all those in need of the essential things in life…

07:33pm 27/03/2006
mood: lazy
I suppose it would be simple to exclaim that life's a bitch but that wouldn't solve a thing and since I'm in the mood I intend to ramble for a while as to why I'm in a foul mood and why I've decided, even as young as I am, that life isn't worth living. I'm not suicidal don't worry I think that's the cowards way out and even though yearly more and more people find that the only answer I believe we’re here for a reason and that all we have suffered we have, ultimately, brought upon ourselves.

I was born in the year of the dragon a being associated with intelligence, strength, the number 5 and the element wood. I was born in the month of the Libra that weighs every decision well and is known for lucid intelligence and often accused of beauty. I was born under the moon influence of Taurus another child of Venus and under the double sign of Venus I’ve fallen under one of its flaws, I’ve let my body uncared for and have become obese, not in any way dangerous for my health jet lacking in the aesthetics. I’ve never eaten more than others in fact less than most, some 1500 to a maximum of 2000 kcal per day, I train two days a week plus gym, you probably wonder how it is that I’m out of shape actually I gained the weight as a child since by my grandmother it was custom to cook often and cook a lot and no wasn’t an option, as time moved I gained weight along with height till I found I was 15 kilos too heavy. Those that have been thin all their lives cannot imagine what it means to be out of the “normal” weight limit. How it feels when people gaze over you when you’re introduced with that barely noticeable sign of prejudice in their expression which never escapes my eye. How it feels to be ignored and avoided by anyone besides your friends because they’re ashamed to be seen with you. How hard it is when you can’t find pants that fit because the biggest number is the European 38. So I went to see a doctor and now I eat 1000 lcal a day, I’ve lost 3 kilos and things seam to be going good. I thought that would be the end of my troubles and I decided not to give in.

Being born in the sign of the Libra with double sign of the Venus makes you lazy, in most cases never by everyone. Or better to say you can work as long as you can do nothing or squander time others don’t think its valuable. I go to the best school in my country and I work as much as I squander. I cannot say I’m good in everything, math and science aren’t my thing but history, psychology, sociology, ethics, logics and languages aren’t a problem they’re something I master for an A in a few hours ( since I don’t study for every school day I study everything at once). That’s why I’m a solid B+ at the end of the year, and I don’t mind I know my worth cannot be measured in grades…but, other people do. They think if you’re bad at something in school you can’t be smart or that the person who’s got top grades has to be smarter. I hate that. I speak four languages and am learning my fifth my IQ is quite enough to join the Mensa if one can trust their internet IQ test but since its not the official result. I like to laugh and act silly because it takes my mind of my problems but people think I’m carefree or silly when in fact I deal with a bunch of stuff they don’t even care about. Being involved in environment issues, the state of my country (unemployment, laws, decisions etc.), working as a translator outside of school, planning for my future… a long list I don’t have the time or the will to finish. They don’t know the first thing about me or how low myself esteem is, I’m one of the best narrators and am great in debate and public speaking, I do all of our outside school projects the best with less effort than the others but I hate myself. And the reason is the way the world acts toward me, its hard to accept oneself if people keep telling you you’re not good enough, but one day I’ll accomplish my goals and throw it in their faces. And that’s what keeps me going on.

And that as they say it is that from my rambles this time.
09:04pm 13/11/2005
mood: tired
You come from an Ancient Civilization. Egypt,
China, Rome... a piece of all the greatest
civilizations of their time can be found in

Where Did Your Soul Originate?
brought to you by Quizilla
the return...   
08:54pm 13/11/2005
mood: tired
You are Form 5, Dragon: The Weaver.

"And The Dragon seperated the virtuous from
the sinful. He tore his eyes from his sockets
and used them to peer into the souls of those
on trial to make a judgement. He knew that
with endless knowledge came endless

Some examples of the Dragon Form are Athena
(Greek), St. Peter (Christian), and Surya
The Dragon is associated with the concept of
intelligence, the number 5, and the element of
His sign is the crescent moon.

As a member of Form 5, you are an intelligent and
wise individual. You weigh options by looking
at how logical they are and you know that while
there may not always be a right or wrong
choice, there is always a logical one. People
may say you are too indecisive, but it's only
because you want to do what's right. Dragons
are the best friends to have because they're
willing to learn.

Which Mythological Form Are You?
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12:09am 24/09/2005
  I Am A: Lawful Neutral Elf Ranger Paladin

Lawful Neutral characters believe in the triumph of law and order above all else. It does not matter whether the leader is for good or evil; the leader will be followed, because the order they provide is the most important thing.

Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently concern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance.

Primary Class:
Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy.

Secondary Class:
Paladins are the Holy Warriors. They have been chosen by a God/dess to be their representative on Earth, and must follow the code of that deity, or risk severe penalties. They tend towards being righteous, but not generally to excess.

Silvanus is the True Neutral god of nature. He is also known as the Patron of Druids. His followers believe in the perfect balance of nature, and believe that nature's bounty is preferable to any other 'civilizing' method. They wear leather or metallic scale mail, constructed of leaf-shaped scales. Silvanus's symbol is an oak leaf.

Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail)

My non-original yaoi   
12:36am 07/08/2005
Disclaimer: 1. I do not own these characters
2. I am aware my Russian may be flawed since I'm from Croatia and don't know how to speak it properly but master only a few phrases
3. I know Rey is Chinese but I used Japanese anyway (because I'm learning it and wanted practice)
4. I know people from Japan don't say aishiteru yo, but suki desu, I used the first anyway (writer’s freedom)
5. This story time-related noting to do with the serial, it goes on four years after the serial.

» Title: Moscow nights

» Author: Scarlett, warrior_angel@hi.htnet.hr

» Web journal: http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=vindictiv_dream&mode=full

» Fandom: Beyblade (sorry if it's not a fandom)

» Rating: NC-17

» On Going (WIP)/One-off/Series: Series or one off...still undecided

» Warnings: yaoi, drinking, getting drunk (duh), violence!!!

» Pairing(s): Bryan/Rey, mention of Tala/Kai

» Author's Notes: FEEDBACK, PLEASE this is my first «viewed by others» fic

» Summary: Four years after the series, the bladers are seniors...competing in the Russian championship (teams from season 1). Rey gets lost and bumps into Bryan after all that time...things start happening...*read the story* ...something happens...*read the story*...Tyson and Rey have a serious talk *something happens* Tala and Rey have a serious talk...*something happens* The End (lol that was officially my first summary! Please comment, flame...anything!!!!)

Inspiration: “MOSCOW NIGHTS” by Ivan Rebroff

Moscow NightsCollapse )
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04:12pm 01/08/2005
mood: *dances around*
For the past few days I've been obsessing about a Gackt/malice Mizer video clip I found...and let me tell you...hehe...it was worth the search! XD I won't go to details but it's something every fangirl would love to see!

In any case I've also discovered Mana as an artist and found I like his work, why he never speaks although is a big question on my list...

I'll keep this short since there's nothing much more to tell...

12:38pm 29/07/2005
mood: *singing along*
he he, how could I not?

I am a Malice Mizer fangirl!
What kind of Gackt fan are you?

quiz by mcvarmazi

twice even

I am a Malice Mizer fan!
What kind of Gackt fan are you?

quiz by mcvarmazi

...he he...
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